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Letting Go

March 3, 2014

Ok, I know that the first thing that comes up to my mind when you read the title is this: 

I’ve seen “Frozen” numerous times in the theatres in January and I think I’ve finally gotten over it. Wait…it’s coming out very soon on DVD. GAH!

Okay, forget it for a moment. If you can.

The reason why I’m bringing it up is because I’m in this place on my journey where the rubber is meeting the road. Confession time: I still have calendars from my elementary school years, and high school, and college. I have this thing about time. My mind does not always remember everything, so I write things down. Birthdays, anniversaries of momentous occasions, even silly things I did. I get all nostalgic when I look over old calendars and relive the glory (and the horror) of my past experiences. To expand upon these things, I cross reference them with my journals. I seriously organized my journals with heart-shaped post it notes with the dates that are contained in each journal. OCD? Perhaps. I have always been a fan of paper and pen. I’ve been complimented on my handwriting on several occasions. I write to process my thoughts and spare the people around me from a verbal brain dump. External processing is not always the best thing in the world for the people around one who does this. To all of my family and friends, I am sorry. I am so so sorry. 

I have endured some crazy heart-wrenching moments this past month. I had a personality flip during the long weekend and barely survived it. By the time Monday rolled around, I was toast. So the quiet time with the Sisterhood was a balm to my soul. It was a good day, full of stories of how they all came to live this life as consecrated singles. Their shared household is so peaceful and pretty orderly. Everything in the house serves a function as well as decoration. It’s a little piece of heaven on earth. The promises they make are simplicity, chastity and obedience. The chastity thing is pretty straight forward and living within a community is something I have done the last 10 years. That is where obedience comes in, being under the guidance of an advisor. It’s not easy, but there is a lot of grace living by these two promises. It’s the simplicity thing that I’m struggling with right now. I was encouraged to keep swing dancing (WOOHOO!) and to let go of my journals (say what?). I got on the plane early on Tuesday morning and burst into tears at the thought of getting rid of the journals. 

WHAT is going on with me? I kept asking. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I take a lot of stock in my personal history. When my truck got broken into over 10 years ago, the thieves took a box of other journals I had written in along with my bible I received from my Confirmation classes. I was devastated. A friend of mine told me that I can now write a different story from the one I’d been raised with. It helped. So I wrote some more. Over a dozen journals between that moment and today. I’ve come to the conclusion that the Lord is asking me to trust Him with my most precious treasures: my past and my identity. I have held onto these things because I believe that they validate who I am. The reason why I had such a hard time during that weekend was because I was not asked to share my gifts as a musician, nor did I feel able to make the offer to play. My time as a leader for the community had come to an end. I panicked, standing there without doing what I normally do. So my dear friend came up to me and asked me how I was. I couldn’t even verbalize what I was feeling. Then she said something that broke me down: “Community loves you regardless of you serving as a musician or leader.” 

*sigh* You think I would know this by now. Apparently, I still have a lot to learn. That whole struggle of finding my worth in what I do versus my worth as a human being reared its ugly head and I was caught. I know it’s a message I have shared with others several times over. Guess it’s time to take ownership of that myself.

Since I started this post a couple of weeks ago, I have managed to recycle my calendars from 2008-2012. It was difficult to carry such a load, but once I let them go, this weight was lifted off my heart and mind. It has definitely helped me wrap my brain around letting go of my journals. I have a definite date in mind as well as a loose plan of celebrating this momentous occasion. As I let go, especially during this upcoming Lenten season, I look forward to growing deeper in love with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. AMDG!

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