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A Whirlwind Sort of Season

October 15, 2014

I cannot believe it’s been so long since my last post. So much life has happened from August until now, I couldn’t stop to catch my breath until tonight. Discerning what I want to reflect on is going to take some time, so right now, it’s going to be a major brain dump.

Sorry.

I could sum up my life in the last couple of months into three sentences:

I am healed. I got engaged. I moved.

SO many things going on.

I found the love of my life. My last human crush. My first pure love. I chose Jesus over him. I know it’s right, but it HURTS.

I started the 6 month discernment period of my Vocation as a Consecrated. It’s a challenge I could not fathom preparing for.

I moved from my home of 7 and 3/4 years, purging through material goods I managed to collect in those years.

My new life calls for three promises to live out: chastity, obedience and simplicity. Two of them are relatively easy to live by. The third is a major pain in the heart. Simplicity means that I intentionally keep certain material goods and let go of the rest. No one ever tells you that there are emotional ties to said material goods and it can be heart-wrenching to process them before letting them go. The freedom, though. It’s astounding.

However, in spite of the difficulty of physically purging material goods, I have found letting go of emotional, mental, psychological things more cumbersome. When you move physical things, there is actual space to be discovered. The other aspects of moving and letting go, I know there’s room, but it’s hard to discern when there is so much to sift through.

Yes, my life is pretty short, but it is AMAZING to see how much I have accumulated over the years. Emotions, thoughts and patterns of life that have built over time that no longer have a purpose and actually hinder any further growth. It’s time to prune this garden way back to make room for the new growth to take place. I think I would rather jump off a burning building or go for a root canal without anesthesia or go on a blind date.

My life is truly a blessing. I know that without even blinking. I have SO many reasons to be grateful and praise the Lord. My humanity has definitely wrestled with my spirit and I am afraid my humanity is winning this battle. I have cursed more, had more cigarettes, eaten things I probably shouldn’t have in these past months than I have in a LONG time. Ironically, I dropped my HA1c from 6.7 down to 5.7 going from being diabetic to being within the normal range, lost 10 pounds and took off 3 inches off my waist, 4 off the widest part of my body and 2 off my rib cage. I asked the Lord, “why now?” He told me that it’s a physical manifestation of the interior healing I have experienced. I’m taking that and running with it.

The both/and of my world is stretching beyond the boundaries of my human thoughts and I cannot believe how tied my body is to my mind is to my heart is to my soul. This combination of being is almost too much to process and YET, He sees this entire person as beautiful and whole. It’s about time I do the same.

I am so sorry for the trouble I have caused folk over the years. Worrying about whether or not I’ll survive to come home or obsessing in inappropriate ways and doing everything within my power to gain attention and flirt with dangerous situations. I am such a FREAKING MESS. YET: HE LOVES ME! I am His wayward little bride and He loves me anyway. WHY?!

The answer? Not sure.

Will I ever know? Probably not.

Is that okay? Like I have a choice.

Truth: I have a choice. I can choose to accept this reality or I can choose to be in denial and pretend that my life is total crap and whine the entire time. I can choose to love this body, this heart, this mind, this soul and embrace it for all it is: heartaches, disappointments, successes and all. There is beauty in pain. There is true love buried in here somewhere. Or perhaps, it’s the over-arching theme of my life.

“Life is pain, highness. Anyone telling you otherwise is selling you something.”–Westley, The Princess Bride.

What a beautiful mess I am! O happy fault! God, you deserve so much more and I am so less than what You created me to be! Why do you choose to love me?

He whispers in my heart: You are mine.

But, Lord…

You are mine. I love you.

Lord, I…

You are mine. Now and always.

*sigh*

You are mine.

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