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humility, flashbacks & being courageous enough to be honest

April 20, 2017

Good grief! It’s been over a year since I’ve written anything and so much has happened since my last couple of drafts in February and May of last year. There have been some significant plot twists in 2016, but looking back, apparently I was not alone in that manner.

Last year at this time, I was so crazy busy I had disconnected from Him with such a vehemence that I’m sure He made arrangements to make the madness stop. I acknowledged Him, but I wouldn’t let Him love me. I kept working so hard and tried to keep afloat without Him. So, everything came to a screeching halt. My time at OLPH was cut short unexpectedly due to some unavoidable circumstances. I bawled for while and mourned the loss of an entire community. It was a difficult time of not knowing where the next paycheck would come or if I could afford to pay for rent, but I found out quickly that the Lord had other plans for me.

Miracles happened.

I finally could stop and breathe. I realized the error of my ways and sought my Divine Lover. I found I still had a love for Youth Ministry and the gift still existed. I could be there for my family: for my goddaughter as her sponsor when she got Confirmed, a sub to relieve my brother-in-law while his mom was in the hospital, a tour guide to my cousin and her beau. These gifts and miracles reminded me what was important: my Divine Lover, my family and my own health…AND…the bills got paid.

The fact I could recognize God’s grace in the midst of unemployment is quite a miracle in itself. It’s not ideal by any stretch of the imagination, but it was a necessary season of pruning, which helped me to reconnect to Him. Being in the first year of my betrothment to Him, I realized that I didn’t put Him first and it was a difficult lesson to learn. I did struggle a lot with the gravity of my decision to step into this beautiful Vocation of Consecrated Life and unfortunately, some well-intentioned brothers and sisters tried to get me to entertain the idea that perhaps this is not for me. What they don’t know is that it really cut into my heart and it hurt more than it helped. I was bewildered by their suggestions and I realized I would never suggest to any of these amazing BICs or SICs that they leave their fianceés/fiancés/spouses because they aren’t perfectly happy with the state of their Vocation. I know they didn’t mean to hurt me, but that’s when I knew I am definitely called to this life and that it’s worth fighting for.

I wouldn’t have been able to stop and process this if I was still up to my eyeballs in ministry at breakneck speed without Jesus. I also realized this is part of discerning. Challenges happen and pain happens, too. It WILL hurt. I’ve heard stories of other amazing people who have experienced similar challenges and I’m glad to know I’m not alone in that. I just need to be able to be honest the next time someone decides to unwittingly suggest something that is contrary to the path I am on AND to not take it personally when it happens.

Where I am now is right where I need to be: unfortunately stuck at home with my leg propped because of achilles tendonitis. I can hardly walk this morning. After a motivational conversation with my mom (she got stern on me), I’m set to see my doctor this morning (another miracle: same day appointment. Thanks, Lord). I’m learning that this part of life is ridiculously necessary, especially if I want to be able to continue serving others well. I haven’t learned how to stop properly yet (obviously), so this would most likely be the reason for the pain. It’s also, unfortunately, the reason why I haven’t got myself back out there swing dancing. It’s actually something I REALLY miss and something I need to do for my own mental health! GAH!

I am happy to report that the Lord has kindly opened up the doors to return to Mission San Diego as the Youth Minister. It was quite a surprise and a blessing that is continually unfolding before me. This story is still continuing and there’s so many more awesome moments to share about that in another blog. The Holy Spirit’s a movin’ and thankfully I’m able to follow His lead a little better these days…except when it comes to slowing down and taking care of myself. That’s a constant work in progress. 😉

Many blessings to each of you & Happy Easter! He is RISEN!

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